I harbour conflicting feelings for my land

I am an Independentist.
I believe Puerto Rico should be free.

But when confronted I cannot easily explain it. Europe and America are moving towards a union. I want my land separate.

And in part I think it has to do with identity. Who do you think you are? How do you define yourself? In 3 words, who are you? I mean, can you answer this? The part of your identity that belongs in the root.

And we cannot. Too much meddling. We have never been Puerto Rico by our own rights. The Taino times are lost in pre-history. We longed to be Spaniards for 400 years. For the last 100 we have longed to be gringos.

Do you know that in the last census, most Puertorricans claimed to be white?

Our put-down phrase, when someone is getting too uppity is " Se cree blanquito" or "He thinks he is white".

It irks me when a guy, born and raised in the mists of the mountains of Orocovis, proclaims himself happily to be an Estadounidense. Does he speaks English? Hell no. Does he speak Spanish? Not really, but close enough. What the hell does this guy think he is claiming for himself when he claims being a gringo?
He claims what he views as a superior existence, a better person.

The Americans are good. They brought us the welfare. They brought us the projects, and the manufacturing plants, and a lot of money for us to be happy.
And our island, blessed with fertile ground and abundant rain, became ghetto. The farmland grew wasted. We lost our pride. The son of our neighbor got tattoos and a golden grille for his teeth, imitating his foreign idols.

And I know there is a certain element of hypocrisy in my thinking. Too fine of me, to talk about this corruption, when my children are not dying of diarrhea and malnutrition.

But couldn’t we keep the pride? Surely, those things are not in conflict. Not the pride in the land, for the land is nothing but a rock protruding from the ocean, a dead volcano in a seam of tectonic plaques. I mean the pride in ourselves, each of us, in the fruit of our labor. The kind of feeling that sees beauty and wishes to add to it.

We see ourselves as a failed country. Every decision is made looking at Los Niuyores (The New Yorks, this is how people used to see USA. My cousin went to live at Los Niuyores. She could be in Ohio, for all they cared. She was in Los Niuyores.)

Don’t worry if you can’t understand this. It confuses me too.
Sometimes I love this island so much that I would not live anywhere else. Sometimes I truly feel blessed to live in such a beautiful place. People are generous and like to laugh. Waiting in line is just a chance to meet interesting people.

And sometimes I feel like I choke in here. I look around me and I see nothing but ugliness. Stupid people, lazy people, irresponsible people, all drowning in their drug of choice.

Puerto Rican people should be free.
At least that much I have clear.

I wonder if the FBI will come to get me now.