I DON’T LIKE THIS PERSON I AM BECOMING.

I feel so harassed, so … bullied,  that I can't relax, i can't trust, i can't focus on the important things.

I am losing the essence of who I am.

I go to college, and I feel so stupid,  I am so tired at class that I am not learning.

And at work, the demands grow, they loom over me, and I am turning into someone else. I am short-tempered and irritable. I try not to act like a bitch. But it's hard when the phone is ringing off the hook, and everyone is taking a loooooong lunch at the same time, of course, since they are all together in the restaurant, and they forwarded all their lines directly or indirectly to me. So by the time they come back all refreshed from the lunch I am ready to bite somebody's head off.

This is not me. I swear. This is not me.

I have started biting my hands again. It is either that, or I'll tell someone to STFU. It doesn't help. It makes me feel miserable and weak, and so terribly alone.

I feel the Void growing inside me. I mean, like in the Neverending Story, one day there was a lake, and next morning there is nothing, not even a hole.

Is it true that cubicles suck the joie de vivre and the sparkle right out of your soul, until all that remains is the shadow, as in the archetype, everything ugly about yourself?

Twice this week, I have locked myself in the bathroom to cry and bite my hands. I had not done that since I was 14.

 

I am exhaused.

I am anxious.

I am depressed.

I  feel beaten and defeated.

I am angry.

I get weepy and miserable. 

I am pathetic... 

 

And sometimes, I get  livid with rage. So mad that I pump my fists, wishing I could just punch something.

I kind of wonder whether I will get used to the new pace, the new way of doing things.

I read somewhere that if you withstand pain for long enough, your brain gets used to it, learns to expect it, and eventually will imagine pain when there is none and create it, whether you are hurt or not.

And I wonder if the same is true of stress.

Maybe my tolerance will grow, and I will get stronger for having survived the crisis. Maybe after surviving the ordeal, you are left with an insight, a truer image of yourself and of the world around you. Maybe this is just a stage in the journey, and the best thing to do is to keep at it, and smile at the old folk you find in your way through the forest, since any and all of them might be witches or ogres or gate-keepers of some sort. Meanwhile, you toil, hard working and ever polite, and at last, you will be delivered from suffering.

But maybe my body will get into the habit tensing my shoulders at work, of grinding my teeth at the mention of some people, and I will pump my fists when I get the urge of punching someone. Maybe I am one of the bad tempered brothers and sisters, cannon fodder, useless to all but the storyteller as a devise to show the hero in an even more flattering light. Maybe this is not the ordeal to be overcome, but the punishment for my misdeeds and my selfish thoughts and acts.

Drama, I know. Way too much drama.

We have joked around the office talking about Karôshi. The situation is quite far from that, so we were only joking.

But, totally for real, I am feeling burned out, and I am not the only one.

It is demoralizing, and things are not looking up.

So I will add a picture of Koko in a shoebox and Tita gnawing on a cardboard box.

These two make it all worth it.

.

Been working myself to exahustion

There are changes afoot Corporate World, and a new computer program has
been pushed on us with all the finesse of a junky whore.

We have had training 4 hours every day, while at the same time running the
business, adjusting to a plethora of crises, a move to a new building, etc. I have been working 12 to 13 hours, just to try and catch up with the
workload. And I can testify that my work schedule is not the most extreme
by far. The people with children had to bring their kids to work, and park
them in a room with TV while they worked. Fed them something convenient and unhealthy, and for homework, you're on your own, buddy. They were there
when I came in, and were still there when I left...

But it is not enough, not nearly; the work multiplies in your absence, in 
your presence, it makes no difference, really. You work in crisis management mode, trying to give the best service possible to the customers, when you have to ignore them for 4.5 hours everyday, on the good days, to train in
the new system (which sucks, btw. It creates more work for us, while not
saving us any work), and try to learn the ropes of the damn thing as well as you can, since the PowersThatBe are adamant that we have to do this.

Our job performance is suffering. My mechanics have needs I can no longer afford to help them with. And the customers are pissed off at our neglect, so we've received some flack on that side as well. 

So, after all of that, we are told that the developers complained that we lacked commitment. Of all the things to say, "commitment"! We lack resources, manpower, more training... Commitment has not been lacking at all.

I cannot imagine a more demotivating thing to say.

If I have been giving this much already, and it is dismissed just like that
, do they really expect me to try harder?

I've started having nightmares about work again.

there is a good chance that we'll be buying a house soon.

It is not what I had hoped for, but I'll grant that I have a heavy tendency toward daydreaming.

I wanted a little space for a garden. I wanted to be able to grow a little food in my own home, so if things do get worse, as I fear they will, we would be able to cope...

But, hell, the lot itself is worth more than we could afford. The location is centric, yet peaceful, so an empty lot would be worth more than we are paying. It is a bargain.

So I guess we'll be using the roof to expand the growing space.

I wanted corn, cabbage and beans, all of which need more space than I will have. Some rootcrops, like potatoes, yams , cassava... That I can do.

I've been looking into the SIP (self-irrigating pots?) craze, and I am hopeful.

I wanted a little goat, but there is no space for that. :(

Maybe a few chickens, for the eggs, later on. :)

Then, there's the plan of training a grape vine and a passionfruit vine to a trellis hanging over the roof.

And now that I think about it, there is the whole "hurricane prep" thing to think about.
It is one thing to bring all the elements of a rooftop garden to the roof.
It is quite another to try and get them off as a hurricane approaches.
And something else entirely to get them back on the roof without killing the plant.

A lot to think about.
A lot to plan.
And a lot of work ahead of us!

gone and back again...

it's been a couple of months.
they have been eventful, but the last couple of weeks were hell.
the coworker that was on leave (Neighbor) came back, just in time to be fired.
along with her went my boss and another coworker.
all of this happened while I was about to go on vacation, and part of it I witnessed and part of it I was informed by phone. So you can imagine my vacations were not as restful as they could have been.
can't say much about it. It is still an active investigation. All I will say is that I think is was a load of crap, they were framed or something.
:'(
In a WTF note, when I retuned to work, someone had left a bar of soap for me. Seriously??? Is it that bad???

I AM SUCH A MESS.

I am covering the whole Service Department Call Center right now.

There used to be 3 people in the Call Center, and work enough to keep us all busy.

Then, the current recession hit, and Fashion Zombie was fired.

Me and my Neighbor handled the phones, then, and it was difficult, but we managed. We covered for each other, and things got done, maybe a bit late, in a bit of a rush, but they got done.

Now, Neighbor has gone on disability for Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. Who knows when she will return.

And I am fucked, fucked, fuuuuucked!!!

To begin with, half of the things I have to do, I received no training in. They are things that can be postponed a few days, or even a week, until she returned. There was no real ( perceived) need for me to learn to do everything she could do. I only had to hold the fort until reinforcements arrived.

And so, I am stuck trying to figure out the procedures for all sorts of stuff, while at the same time my phone is ringing off the hook, and I have to keep up to date with my own share of the load.

I am making mistakes, stupid mistakes, because I am in such a rush. Yet, as the day progresses I am interrupted so often that I rarely accomplish anything. Well, I must have accomplished something, otherwise I would have drowned long ago, but every time I look at my desk, it is covered with half-finished tasks.

And suddenly, someone will ask: “Kiki-chan, we cannot find this part in the warehouse. Did you place the order yesterday when I asked you? I told you it was VITAL that it reached us today!”

And I feel just idiotic, the biggest moron on the surface of the earth, ‘cause, yes, they told me to do it, and yes, they told me it was important, and I forgot because I was doing so many things at the same time, that I can’t cope, I can’t keep that many eggs on the air,so a few of them inevitably splatter.

But maybe I am drowning in a glass of water. The other day I was talking/complaining to a co-worker, and I said I was under so much stress. And he offhandedly mentioned that there are people who actually thrive under stress. And I was, like: “Really:?”.

‘Cause I sure don’t.

On the bad days, I go home all tired, take a shower and go to sleep early. Only to dream of work again, and I wake up almost as tired as the day before. I suppose it might mean that my subconscious is working on the info learned, so that I will make fewer and fewer mistakes as I go.

Still, I don’t like it very much.. It’s like never leaving the workplace at all.

Then comes the matter of my Aide. A temp was hired to help me during this difficult time.

I don’t like her one bit.

The day she came for the first time, I took out a Tarot card to see what I was getting. Turned out Princess of Wands. My deck is a Manga Tarot deck, and the picture is this.

A pissed-off young lady, riding a tiger, surrounded by fire.

This can’t be good.

I met her, and worked with her all that day. She was hard-working, polite, too much of a Miss Congeniality.

That night I dreamt that someone had let loose a tiger inside my home. It was a horrible dream, all paranoia and fear. When I woke up, the first thing that came to my mind was her.

So, I feel we have a tiger in our midst, so I will be careful with her. But she is here to work, and I try not to be unfair to her. *sigh*

Now, another matter entirely is that Mr. Vogon seems to feel entitled to her labor. He asks me if he can borrow her for half an hour, and when I said “no”, ‘cause I really needed her to take the phone and do some work for me, he said “ok”. Half an hour later, my boss comes by, all casual-like, and asks me, all politeness and sweetness, to please let the girl go help Mr. Vogon, because he really needs her help, and he will only keep her for an hour or so. So, ok, I let her go.

She was gone for the rest of the day.

What was she doing? Reading to him.

He used to make me do that too. He gives you a piece of paper, printed extra-tiny, and asks you to read it to him, while he types. That’s it. Boring as hell, and he takes constant breaks, so he makes it last longer than it has to.

And it all aggregates

The telephone, the demands, the things I should know but don’t, the things I know but mustn’t say, the constant feeling that she is dangerous and I should watch my back, the need to know where is everyone at a given time, the delays I incur in when my guys simply won’t answer the phone, or the bosses are nowhere to be found, and my own forgetfulness, ignorance, and lack of resources. And then, the need to be nice! ‘cause that is all that matters in a Call Center, you know.

Heaven forbid, that you might sound tired.

Heaven forbid that you might sound a little put off.

So, sometimes I feel like I am dying, like there is a pressure in the center of my chest, making a knot.

I am giving it all I have in me. I have not skimped on effort.

And I feel that my effort is wasted and that something is wrong in me, because I should be able to do more.

And I know, too, that I am being willful. That a whole lot of people out there are unemployed and wished they had my problems.

But I guess that is the whole point in having a blog, ain’t it?

That I get to rant, complain, cry a bit, and shake my puny fist at the heavens.

movie review: Percy Jackson & the Lightning Thief

oh, Gods, what a waste of time!
I saw the trailers and thought it seemed like a fine movie.
Of course, being who I am, I couldn't just go and see the damn movie. Nooo, I had to read the book first, and only  then, go watch the movie.
oh, it pissed me off so bad. They cut out so many key scenes and characters that they should have renamed the movie something else entirely and be done with it.
They cut out the Oracle, Ares, Cerberus, Dyonisus, Kronos, the mermaids, the visit to the Golden Gate, and most of the visit to the Underworld.
There was no commotion on the bus, no rescue of the lion and the zebra, no death of Thalia, no shoot-out with Ares right in front of the TV cameras, no earthquake, no mystery of the disapearence of Pan.
There was no mention of the theft of Hades' helm, of goat-boy's quest, or of any of Ares' children.
Unforgivably, they cut out the part whereAres and Aphrodite were screwing in an abandoned waterpark, and the trap laid for them by Haephestus, and the spiders.
Or when Percy, pissed off, sends the Medusa head to the Gods in the Olimpus. Or how the head is later retuned to his home, and his mother uses it to free herself from her husband... Who, by the way, beat her.
All of this was taken out of the story, and yet, the added Persephone in the Underwold, which makes no sense, since everything happens just before Summer Solstice, when she should have been in the outside world.
In all fairness, I think they did an excellent job with the Lotus casino...but that's it.
It could have been an excellent, excellent movie, but they mangled it beyond recognition, and I am glad they did not leave an open ending to suggest a sequel, 'cause I will pray to all gods I know of so that this monstruosity is never repeated.

Tarot

I am starting to test my hand with tarot. I bought a gorgeous, gorgeous deck, Manga Tarot by Lo Scarabeo.
I am still figuring out the symbolisms, but I think it is very interesting. The gender roles are reversed in most cards, with a female Fool and a male Justice. The Princesses-Knights are riding on mounts: a horse, a whale, a tiger, and a dragon. Princes-Pages go on foot, holding the item of its Suit.
First things first, I tried a few spreads and asked a few questions. No, I don't remember, and no, I did not write anything down. It was a simple trial run, not of hte deck itself, but of my (crude) understanding of the symbols.
But on the 4 trials, I noticed there were 2 cards that showed everytime. I was completely reshuffling the cards, so it should not happed, but there it was.
The Tower, and the King of Swords (inverted).
So... The Tower, showing a burning pagoda under a sky crossed by lightning, and a female warrior holding a broken sword over her head; talk about ominous. It warns of a nearby crisis, a shock to the system, a disaster of some kind.
I truly, truly did not want that card to show up. Specially since it can also mean an earthquake, and since we share the same plaque with Haiti, there is some talk that we could be next. Superstitious blather, but there you have it.
And the King of Swords, a paragon of intelectual achievements, a verifiable genious, inverted, so it is either telling me not to rely too much on my rationale to overcome the crisis... or warning me that my mind itself is at stake, that I might snap and go crazy.
...
Not too worried. I have always been a bit of a skeptic at heart. I am like Mulder on the X-Files: I want to believe. I don't actually believe all that much, but I very much want to believe.
And even if I were totally convinced that I received a direct message from the aFlying
Spaghetti Monster ... this was my first time. Surely I need more time to get used to the language of symbols..

Sister Haiti

Haiti, our neighbor, our sister...
You truly seem to be cursed.
Blow after blow, and no time to recover.
No time to stand up.
Just barely time enough to register a new punch in the gut, a new kick to the back of her head.

The magnitude of the tragedy overwhelms me, and I try not to watch the images on TV. Haiti has been had such a rotten luck, such a rotten deal, out of EVERYTHING that somehow this...

Slavery, war, disease, famine, floods, hurricane after hurricane, poor crops, depressed economy, and now an earthquake.

I don't know. Maybe the equations of suffering have nothing to do with past sufferings. September 11 shook the world, made us cry at the sheer amount of suffering contained in that single episode of American history. It was disconnected from everything else, yet it contained universes in anguish and horror.

Or maybe it does, softening the flesh and tenderizing the senses for the final blow, so that it can hold all the pain inflicted throughout the whole beating.

I mean, fuck!, these people were already eating mud!!! Clay cookies, with a bit of sugar and oil to make it palatable.

...

And reading on the NYTimes today, I learned of a new (old) outrage commited against the Haiti people.

Haitians have been punished ever since for claiming their freedom: by the French
who, in the 1820s, demanded and received payment from the Haitians for the slave
colony, impoverishing the country for years to come[...]

What the fuck!!!!
Since when does the victim of a rape have to compensate the rapist!!
What is the logic behind such a preposterous claim?

How much did the French receive?

And I hope to hell they are planning on giving it back. 'Cause the French have always been some of my most favorite people in the world, and if they don't make at least a gesture in this direction, I think I am going to hate them.

And maybe I have been misinformed on this point, but I heard the first international aid on the scene was sent by the Chinese... Like, really? There was nobody nearer? This thing happened on Tuesday, and the first ones to get there are the Chinese? Kudos on the Chinese; they clearly have taken this seriously enough.

Tropical Wiccan

I have for a time considered myself a Wiccan.
Not much of a Wiccan, mind you, as I am not as observant of the rituals as I probably should be, but a Wiccan nonetheless.
The biggest problem I have is the matter of location and regionalism. All hte books and info I find on Wicca are related to European pantheons and seasons. And you know, their seasons and our seasons are not really interchangeable. Their version is taught in our schools: Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter. They even illustrate it for elementary kids with the usual pictures of red leaves and white snow.
But, really, it is summer here all the year! The only real change is the amount of rain you get.
Our seasons look more like this: Rain Season, Storm Season, Second Rain Season, and "Dry" Season (not that dry).
Hard to pray for the return of the sun, when the AC has to be On or you would melt in a puddle.
So, I feel I have to find a way to mold my religion into my environment for it to work.
I have turned my sight to the native gods:Yocahu, Maquetaurie, Atabeira...
But I know so little about them, there are so few books...
And I know that there are groups out there that claim direct bloodlines from our Eyeri ancestors, and they practice rituals they claim are the same as the indians did.
I have my doubts.
And other politheistic tropical religions leave me feeling icky.
I am all for dancing in the moonlight around a bonfire, but as soon as you have to kill a goat, I lose all respect for you and your religion . Go fuck yourself and leave the goat alone.
And I suppose the tropical aspect of religion has something to do with this need for bloodshed. I think I read it in a Joseph Campbell book, that religions around the Equator tend to involve (human) sacrifices because in hte jungles, life feeds on life. Nothing has to be properly dead before something elsewill eat it. Thus, the idea that for life to continue, life must be spilled. Or else, the sun will not shine again.
You know, the Eyeris practiced human sacrifice too. There are eyewitness accounts of sacrifices by arrows, in which the victim is tied to a post, and a ring of dancers danced around it, and they shoot arrows at him, aiming for the genitalia and non-vital parts, to make the ritual last longer, until he expired.
Soooo not liking it!

And my question is, how far can you stretch a religion until it is something else entirely? How much can you reinterpret a myth, and a god/dess, before you are creating a new entity?
I don't want to worship Zoamel Gustav, you know.