I DON’T LIKE THIS PERSON I AM BECOMING.

I feel so harassed, so … bullied,  that I can't relax, i can't trust, i can't focus on the important things.

I am losing the essence of who I am.

I go to college, and I feel so stupid,  I am so tired at class that I am not learning.

And at work, the demands grow, they loom over me, and I am turning into someone else. I am short-tempered and irritable. I try not to act like a bitch. But it's hard when the phone is ringing off the hook, and everyone is taking a loooooong lunch at the same time, of course, since they are all together in the restaurant, and they forwarded all their lines directly or indirectly to me. So by the time they come back all refreshed from the lunch I am ready to bite somebody's head off.

This is not me. I swear. This is not me.

I have started biting my hands again. It is either that, or I'll tell someone to STFU. It doesn't help. It makes me feel miserable and weak, and so terribly alone.

I feel the Void growing inside me. I mean, like in the Neverending Story, one day there was a lake, and next morning there is nothing, not even a hole.

Is it true that cubicles suck the joie de vivre and the sparkle right out of your soul, until all that remains is the shadow, as in the archetype, everything ugly about yourself?

Twice this week, I have locked myself in the bathroom to cry and bite my hands. I had not done that since I was 14.

 

I am exhaused.

I am anxious.

I am depressed.

I  feel beaten and defeated.

I am angry.

I get weepy and miserable. 

I am pathetic... 

 

And sometimes, I get  livid with rage. So mad that I pump my fists, wishing I could just punch something.