Teeth!

Life is beautiful.

Hello again :-)

I’ve spent a long time without writing here.

Sorry about it, but I couldn’t deal with the negativity.

For a blog called Kiki-Chan in Wonderland, I sure wrote some dark themes.

 

It has been a rough …year and a half? Maybe more.

 

It started with the layoffs, and then followed by the intensive training for the stupid new program. And finally, I got pregnant, and it turned out I was one of the lucky few who vomit during the whole pregnancy. It was so bad that I twice vomited unto my own lap because I didn’t have time to turn towards a wastebasket. I fell asleep on the job constantly, and my employer was not very supportive.  I developed anemia, and I was hospitalized twice to be treated for hematoemesis (vomiting blood). I had to go on disability. I took some probiotics my midwife recommended and I had an allergic reaction.  I survived the pregnancy, but it was hard, hard, hard.

 

We had the birth at home, attended by a midwife, just like we wanted. We had rented a little pool to use for the birth, but the water heater had broken months before, and I had made clear to my landlord that I needed it fixed and for what reason; he never fixed it. Therefore, the water was cold and we couldn’t use the pool. I had to birth on my bed, which was something I had not wanted.

 

Didi was born beautiful, alert, and crying. The midwife placed her in my arms and I made my first (failed ) attempt at breastfeeding.

 

Then, just after the placenta had been expelled, I bled about 1,200ml in one big gush (midwife’s estimate). I was taken to the hospital (again), and they gave me two blood transfusions, plus iron supplements.  I was out of the hospital in a few days but the bastards kept my baby for a while. They had started her on antibiotics (unnecessary, since she was healthy) , and they had to finish the treatment.

 

Didi was fed formula while in the hospital, so we had trouble with breast feeding. I tried to get her to latch on, but she would pucker up as if waiting for a kiss.

 

:-* 

 

But we kept trying and a month later I had it down (I thought). Except my baby was not growing; she was not getting enough to eat. Three doctors have told me that the hemorrhage could have damaged my pituitary so that it doesn’t produce enough prolactin to feed my baby.

 

So now she is both breastfed and formula fed. I try to encourage breastmilk production by pumping at work, and letting her suck whenever she is with me. I hope later I will produce enough so that I can wean her from formula and have her exclusively breastfed.

 

I hope things turn out better from now on.

 

And there is a little monster bringing joy to my life now, so I will try and look on the bright side.

 

 

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I DON’T LIKE THIS PERSON I AM BECOMING.

I feel so harassed, so … bullied,  that I can't relax, i can't trust, i can't focus on the important things.

I am losing the essence of who I am.

I go to college, and I feel so stupid,  I am so tired at class that I am not learning.

And at work, the demands grow, they loom over me, and I am turning into someone else. I am short-tempered and irritable. I try not to act like a bitch. But it's hard when the phone is ringing off the hook, and everyone is taking a loooooong lunch at the same time, of course, since they are all together in the restaurant, and they forwarded all their lines directly or indirectly to me. So by the time they come back all refreshed from the lunch I am ready to bite somebody's head off.

This is not me. I swear. This is not me.

I have started biting my hands again. It is either that, or I'll tell someone to STFU. It doesn't help. It makes me feel miserable and weak, and so terribly alone.

I feel the Void growing inside me. I mean, like in the Neverending Story, one day there was a lake, and next morning there is nothing, not even a hole.

Is it true that cubicles suck the joie de vivre and the sparkle right out of your soul, until all that remains is the shadow, as in the archetype, everything ugly about yourself?

Twice this week, I have locked myself in the bathroom to cry and bite my hands. I had not done that since I was 14.

 

I am exhaused.

I am anxious.

I am depressed.

I  feel beaten and defeated.

I am angry.

I get weepy and miserable. 

I am pathetic... 

 

And sometimes, I get  livid with rage. So mad that I pump my fists, wishing I could just punch something.

I kind of wonder whether I will get used to the new pace, the new way of doing things.

I read somewhere that if you withstand pain for long enough, your brain gets used to it, learns to expect it, and eventually will imagine pain when there is none and create it, whether you are hurt or not.

And I wonder if the same is true of stress.

Maybe my tolerance will grow, and I will get stronger for having survived the crisis. Maybe after surviving the ordeal, you are left with an insight, a truer image of yourself and of the world around you. Maybe this is just a stage in the journey, and the best thing to do is to keep at it, and smile at the old folk you find in your way through the forest, since any and all of them might be witches or ogres or gate-keepers of some sort. Meanwhile, you toil, hard working and ever polite, and at last, you will be delivered from suffering.

But maybe my body will get into the habit tensing my shoulders at work, of grinding my teeth at the mention of some people, and I will pump my fists when I get the urge of punching someone. Maybe I am one of the bad tempered brothers and sisters, cannon fodder, useless to all but the storyteller as a devise to show the hero in an even more flattering light. Maybe this is not the ordeal to be overcome, but the punishment for my misdeeds and my selfish thoughts and acts.

Drama, I know. Way too much drama.

We have joked around the office talking about Karôshi. The situation is quite far from that, so we were only joking.

But, totally for real, I am feeling burned out, and I am not the only one.

It is demoralizing, and things are not looking up.

So I will add a picture of Koko in a shoebox and Tita gnawing on a cardboard box.

These two make it all worth it.

.

Been working myself to exahustion

There are changes afoot Corporate World, and a new computer program has
been pushed on us with all the finesse of a junky whore.

We have had training 4 hours every day, while at the same time running the
business, adjusting to a plethora of crises, a move to a new building, etc. I have been working 12 to 13 hours, just to try and catch up with the
workload. And I can testify that my work schedule is not the most extreme
by far. The people with children had to bring their kids to work, and park
them in a room with TV while they worked. Fed them something convenient and unhealthy, and for homework, you're on your own, buddy. They were there
when I came in, and were still there when I left...

But it is not enough, not nearly; the work multiplies in your absence, in 
your presence, it makes no difference, really. You work in crisis management mode, trying to give the best service possible to the customers, when you have to ignore them for 4.5 hours everyday, on the good days, to train in
the new system (which sucks, btw. It creates more work for us, while not
saving us any work), and try to learn the ropes of the damn thing as well as you can, since the PowersThatBe are adamant that we have to do this.

Our job performance is suffering. My mechanics have needs I can no longer afford to help them with. And the customers are pissed off at our neglect, so we've received some flack on that side as well. 

So, after all of that, we are told that the developers complained that we lacked commitment. Of all the things to say, "commitment"! We lack resources, manpower, more training... Commitment has not been lacking at all.

I cannot imagine a more demotivating thing to say.

If I have been giving this much already, and it is dismissed just like that
, do they really expect me to try harder?

I've started having nightmares about work again.

there is a good chance that we'll be buying a house soon.

It is not what I had hoped for, but I'll grant that I have a heavy tendency toward daydreaming.

I wanted a little space for a garden. I wanted to be able to grow a little food in my own home, so if things do get worse, as I fear they will, we would be able to cope...

But, hell, the lot itself is worth more than we could afford. The location is centric, yet peaceful, so an empty lot would be worth more than we are paying. It is a bargain.

So I guess we'll be using the roof to expand the growing space.

I wanted corn, cabbage and beans, all of which need more space than I will have. Some rootcrops, like potatoes, yams , cassava... That I can do.

I've been looking into the SIP (self-irrigating pots?) craze, and I am hopeful.

I wanted a little goat, but there is no space for that. :(

Maybe a few chickens, for the eggs, later on. :)

Then, there's the plan of training a grape vine and a passionfruit vine to a trellis hanging over the roof.

And now that I think about it, there is the whole "hurricane prep" thing to think about.
It is one thing to bring all the elements of a rooftop garden to the roof.
It is quite another to try and get them off as a hurricane approaches.
And something else entirely to get them back on the roof without killing the plant.

A lot to think about.
A lot to plan.
And a lot of work ahead of us!

gone and back again...

it's been a couple of months.
they have been eventful, but the last couple of weeks were hell.
the coworker that was on leave (Neighbor) came back, just in time to be fired.
along with her went my boss and another coworker.
all of this happened while I was about to go on vacation, and part of it I witnessed and part of it I was informed by phone. So you can imagine my vacations were not as restful as they could have been.
can't say much about it. It is still an active investigation. All I will say is that I think is was a load of crap, they were framed or something.
:'(
In a WTF note, when I retuned to work, someone had left a bar of soap for me. Seriously??? Is it that bad???